I’m ready to talk about it…at least, I’m ready to talk about talking about it.
I woke up one morning, literally one morning I woke up and it occurred to me that I wanted to start blogging because I had a lot to share. I hadn’t contemplated it before that day. That evening I sat down and figured out how to set this site up. Late that night I wrote and published the first post. It was exciting, way more so than I had anticipated. I felt like I was on a coarse that may actually give voice to things inside me that needed to to be shared and heard. I shared it on my fb wall a couple times and also attached the link in an email to about a dozen friends. It ended up getting read by so many people!
Over the next year or so, I posted about 30 times and then a few times the next year and then I completely stopped.
I didn’t have a watershed moment, or an epiphany or an incident or anything of the sort, I just stopped. I didn’t have language to surround my reason for stopping…I think I do now.
I’m sort of a story teller and I tend to think that if a thing is worth sharing, then I should try to share it in a way that enables people to actually hear, otherwise it’s just a waste of breath (or key strokes). When I started blogging, I quickly learned that in order to share my insides with people in a way that would actually leave my insides out there, I would have to actually reach into my insides and pull things out. At first it came easy, and it actually stayed easy for a while. I was beginning to figure out how to add voice to things that were happening in my life…normal everyday things that had good stuff inside.
One day I sat down to write and realized that the story I needed to share was dark and too honest. I wrote it but didn’t have the courage to post it…It got much less easy from this day forward.
A couple weeks later, a remarkable thing happened with a lady that lost her ring at the pizza place I hang out at. I told the story from my guts that very night (June 10th 2012) and posted and it felt really good.
I sat down the next night to write, and again didn’t have the courage to dig deep…so I didn’t.
It’s been about 700 days.
From the time of the lost ring post, I spent about 450 ish days, husbanding and parenting and coaching and leading and mentoring…and hiding in the dark from the elephant in the room.
239 days ago (October 1st 2013) I began a sober…and sobering journey towards the elephant named duplicity.
Two men named John were living inside me and I didn’t want to talk about it. One John wanted good things and believed good things and had good things. The other John longed for dark things and believed dark things about himself and did dark things. I’m not so naive as to think this isn’t in some ways, simply the human condition at work because I know quite well that it is. That said, my Johns were too different.
This journey, of melding these opposing “John’s” into a singular, broken, beautiful, courageous, scared, excited, foolish, faithful man…is the journey I’m on.
Finally, I can confidently say I’m actively rooting the elephant out of the room, I can also share with you that I’m ready to share again.
My hope is to pick up where I left off, sharing my thoughts on life, lessons I’m learning and food I’m cooking and eating. I don’t anticipate launching into a play by play of the time that has passed, but I do expect some of it to leak out as I reach inside and pull up the things that are meant to come up.
I’m so very thankful.